and you thought that you’ve got problems

come now, my friend,
step away from your computer perversions
and your heavy breathing
phone sessions

the women that you speak to
(and the men who pretend to be women)
have dollars signs lining their voices

a dry back alley hand job for a twenty spot
satisfies instant gratification
but brings regret in the first minutes
of awakening

you’re an honest to god pervert, Cal,
and everyone knows it

we’ve watched you closely,
and from afar,
it is unanimous to everyone
that you are even more deviant
and debased than most

maybe this is why we love you

well, anyways,
we all chipped in and got you
this birthday hooker

have fun, pal,
you deserve it